Writing

I write like I'm trying to impress someone, namely me and my friends, but anybody really. You could call it whorish or slutty, even. Like trying too hard to get attention. I don't even actually know why I write; I don't know if I personally want to ever write something or just gain the results from having written. I don't really write stuff that I don't eventually put out somewhere or show to my friends, either, so it's not a private hobby kind of thing.

If I were to read a blog (which I don't really do) that was written like how my blogs are, I would think the person behind it is some pretentious dumbass, trying to sound smart. Or maybe I'd actually be impressed, like an undeveloped palette tasting the same looking blend of words.

I don't assume a target or an intended demographic, and I don't draw a line to not cross. Though not exactly true, as in my to-do list I have had a blog about hating on Jews planned, but that's never even started to bake in the oven.

I almost see writing as a chore, not fully though, because it isn't something i must do; it's just that i have to put in at least a little effort to get me started. Unlike other chores, I don't feel particularly accomplished or fulfilled after writing anything. Even when I am writing, I just want to get it over with, but something compels me to at least write one page's worth of text, or whatever fits on my screen before I need to start scrolling. Well, even that is a recent development.

Throughout my life, I hadn't ever written much of anything, physically or digitally. In school, even jotting down the stuff on the whiteboard was too much for my slow hands, and I'd often end up a few sentences behind. Though I feel like I wasn't the only kid with that problem in my classes. Growing up, the time I spent in school or taking any form of notes reduced. I had an educational hiatus for reasons, and after that COVID-19 and even after that private online tutoring allowed me to slack off on any form of writing altogether.

I've never written a book report or anything; the closest thing has been reading comprehension questions about short stories or excerpts. Even now, voicing any opinion and backing it up in any form, for example, with references or quotes, is quite hard for me that I avoid it. You might've noticed it with how sort of “vague” my writing is, letting the meaning behind certain words stay ambiguous.

As for creative writing, I couldn't form a nice story if my life depended on it. If I were Scheherazade, One Thousand and One Nights would've just been half a day. This reflects in how I can't distinguish amature or bad writing with anything better. It could stem from not having read many books and novels, or from the many slop anime I had watched at the start of my dive into entertainment media. But in the end, creativity doesn't come out to me in the form of words; if it shows itself in different ways, i am unaware.

I doubt many people read this; I have no qualms about that. I would wish for more to read, but maybe I'd be more reserved if they did. I don't write to expel or vent any thoughts; in fact, I don't have enough of that to dispel. Mayhap if i continue, creativity and possibly skills or intellect will build in me, and all this would be all the more worthwhile.