I hate myself

I truly, deeply dislike who I am. If i was given the option to have never been born or to have never existed i would probably choose it. Despite the very many beauties and gifts of this world, not having to deal with myself and my (in)actions would be better. Because even if i did experience these wonders, i don't remember them. And I don't find myself finding anything in the present. I can't handle perseverance through hardship, I don't have it bad at all compared to some, but i am weak. I wont kill myself, that would be awful for many others and myself, but having never existed, could mean the better lives of others and freedom from myself for me.

I hate my brain, it can't manage anything on its own yet wants to be alone. I can't get into any routine for something good but fall into addictions on the drop of a hat. Everything i do is a waste of time, I can't find myself looking back on this in the future and being glad. I don't want to eat, I don't want to cook. I can't remember chores and when i do them i seem to mess up. I'm told that i make more work than I complete, and I shrug it off and fix my mistakes, but i do them again and again. Maybe I truly do a net negative.

Living with myself has ruined my mind, If i didn't have some deep seated mental issues, I've probably made some for myself somewhere in my life. I can't even procrastinate without distracting myself elsewhere.

I hate jerking off, it's like a bunch of nails driving into your skin untill you pull them out and your life bleeds out. You can stop the nails from jabbing into you but you just invite them in instead. I wish i could love without these nails chasing me.

I ask god to fix me every time I pray, but even then im expected to work the bare minimum to fix myself, but i can't even do that. If i could exchange myself for a vial of happiness I'd gladly wrap myself up and give it to my mom.

I feel lost for the future, I don't know what I'll do if i were to live. People are told to have faith in god, and i do, but all ahead will just be more hardship. That is what life is, because you can't live in heaven on earth or heaven up above without earning it. But even as i feel I'm going through some sort of test of hardship in which I'll be rewarded, that could just not be true. I am weak and losing this test, what's to say the afterlife would be easy for me.

I should yearn to earn a good afterlife, but my slothful self cant manage that. I hate how tempted i am and i hate how weak i am, yet i do inaction. I hate it. I hate it.s